How My Insomnia Prevented a Suicide

So this morning at 1:30am some drunken guy tried to hang himself on a “one way” sign on the street outside my apartment.
He was yelling out someone’s name which woke most of the neighbourhood up.

People were getting irritated with him and kept yelling at him to shut the fuck up. After some time, he finally did.
I would normally have gone back to bed at this point but…I’ve not been able to sleep for the past couple weeks so this presented me with some light entertainment.
I stayed up a little longer to watch the guy with my handy binoculars.

Having lived in that neighbourhood for some time now, I’ve gotten to know the kinds of people that walk around there at that time.
It’s usually party goers from the pubs and restaurants near by that drunkenly stumble into their vehicles parked on the street (yeah…I know), homeless guys walking to the nearby park for shelter or the local 24hr security guys walking the beat.
Other than them it’s usually pretty quiet.
I’ve never seen a lone drunk person screaming at the stars. They are usually in groups of an average of 5 date-rapey looking guys and 3 girls carrying their heels, walking like sexy zombies and screaming “WOOO!!” which is native skank. When loosely translated it means “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD!!”
You see, there is a trendy cocktail bar down my street where these kinds of clientèle frequent.

He seemed to be talking to himself while standing on the street corner, like a normal drunk guy with tequila surging through his veins.
Blond, mid-twenties, white, decently dressed. There was nothing particularly odd about him apart from a pony-tail.
He looked like your typical emo-cape town hipster.

Wait..what? Why do I have binoculars?
No, it’s nothing creepy. You see, I live on the top most floor of the 7 storey apartment building, so I had a pretty good view of my immediate area.
Plus I have an almost 360 view of my neighbourhood. You can call me the neighbourhood’s watch-tower. This has come in quite handy actually.

I once foiled a potential mugging a few years ago. Some opportunistic thug’s attempted to mug some tourists on their way back to the backpackers across my street.
They were pretty surprised to hear and see a shirtless black guy screaming at them “HEY I GOT YOU FUCKERS ON CAMERA IF YOU TRY ANYTHING WITH THEM YOU BASTARDS”
I was actually naked but they couldn’t see below my waist.
You didn’t need to know that…but now you do.
Yes, my giblets were dangling freely when I foiled a crime.
Eat that Batman!!

So thanks to my insomnia and handy binoculars, I stayed up watching him.
The angered neighbours thought he was done with his antics and went back to bed.
It looked like he was tying his shoe-laces when he bent down but it turns out he was undoing them and proceeded to tie them together.

I thought he was waiting for someone to pick him up because he was standing right on the corner of two streets.
This whole time I’m thinking, what the fuck is this dude doing? I couldn’t believe it.
This drunk mathafaka is not gonna do what I think he’s gonna do!

One Way

When he started wrapping the noose he had made around his neck is when I realised, oh shit, this dude wants to check out!
He wants to play double-dutch or skip-roap in the big playground in the sky!

I have 24hr security guards where I live. I quickly opened the window and shouted.
“What? Where?” they said,

Yes…you guessed it…my giblets….were dangling….freely.

Luckily they weren’t far. They quickly ran and undid the noose from around the guy’s neck and sat him down.

I think because he was making a hell of a noise earlier, someone must have called the metro police cause they arrived just moments after that. Later the police arrived and I guess took him away.
I’ll ask the security guys about it and update you.

Soon as the drama was over I went back to bed to stare at my computer screen…unable to sleep.

It was not until a few hours later did a few things dawn on me…

Firstly: The Sun…cause it was sun rise of course

Secondly: He tried to hang himself on a “one way” sign? Was he being ironic?!?
I mean with a sense of humour like that we could have totally hung out…errr I mean…you know what I mean..

Thirdly: If it wasn’t for my insomnia and handy (some say pervy…fuk’em) binoculars that dude would be dead today.

Fourthly: “Suicide Prevention” is one more thing I can add to the things I’ve done…while my giblets dangled.

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humour and hurt.”
- Erma Bombeck



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